I often wonder how we always end up loving somebody who doesn't deserve us. I think about how many people I know who are involved in a relationship or pseudo-relationships who are unfair to them. Of the many people I know who should have the best but have settled for what they have just so they won't be alone. And then I think of how many times I tripped and fell for the asshole when I had the option of choosing somebody else-one who is clearly into me.
Why do we always end up choosing the one who would hurt us? Are we sado-masochists?
Sometimes it would seem as though we are-or at least I am. How else could I explain this "pattern" of me choosing to be with someone who is uncertain versus someone nice and safe and sure? I don't know if it's because of the so-called challenge of being in a difficult relationship or if it's because of the thrill/excitement of the uncertainty. Or maybe, I've become so accustomed to pain that being without it makes me question the relationship.
So maybe I am sado-masochistic after all. But aren't all sado-masochists looking for someone who would make them want to stop lovin the pain? I know I am.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
snow on the sahara
How else should I react? How else should I handle betrayal? I should be burning with fury. Yet strangely I am numb. Cool. So cool that I wonder if this is normal. Then again, when have I ever been normal? I've walked this walk too many times before. This desolate stretch of nothingness. Burning hot then bitter cold. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Maybe I've gotten used to it after all.
The dust has blown on my track, the sand has blown into my eyes, I've lost my way yet again. There was never a map made out for this godforsaken path I travel. Just an endless cycle of losing one's way and finding it in the middle of nowhere. Funny how this is the only way I lead my depths. In this vast emptiness where I find both pain and beauty. I stand still, and wander off alone.
The dust has blown on my track, the sand has blown into my eyes, I've lost my way yet again. There was never a map made out for this godforsaken path I travel. Just an endless cycle of losing one's way and finding it in the middle of nowhere. Funny how this is the only way I lead my depths. In this vast emptiness where I find both pain and beauty. I stand still, and wander off alone.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
just shoot me
In no way has this account been embellished:
Two nights ago I went to this live band show sponsored by a candidate for congress in our district. So really, it was a political rally hidden behind the drumset. Anyways, the usual mumbo jumbo of people were there. We arrived just when they were starting the usual acknowledgements designed to somehow impress the people and win them over.
In the meantime, me and my pal Kit chose to hide out behind a multicab to avoid a head-on collision with trapo and, to make a grand entrance. It's shallow but after surviving my first ever incident of public scandal I thought I had all the right to show up and dazzle everyone. lol.
After surviving the "subtle" campaign strategy of our dear politicians, we made our way toward where the band just started to play along with Kit's husband Third (my ex-boyfriend's bestfriend) and his mother who is running for councilor on the admin slate. Just when I was just starting to enjoy the music, Manang Pinky approached us and insisted we sit together with the mayor's family and the city officials. Manang Pinky is by the way, one of my ex-boyfriend's minions. It bugs me that I am still so connected to him in that way. But what can I do?
While I was politely refusing the offer, along comes this guy who Manang Pinky introduced as the Commanding Officer of the whatever batallion assigned in our city. He seemed okay. And Kit whispered this notion of hers that I should at least talk to him while she observes my exbf's reaction. Freakish. But I played along.
True enough, along came my x who all of a sudden came over to where we were.
X: Good evening gwaps... Uy, have you met Lt. Villaroel na? (gestures to where the Lt. is seated right next to me)
Me: Good evening Konsehal. Yes, we were already introduced. (I manage to give him my best what-do-you-think-you're-doin look)
What the eff?! Obviously, we've already met. The man's sitting beside me for goodness' sake! I suspect he wanted to come off cool by attempting to pair me up with someone. Instead he succeeded in getting a very deadly stare from me. After my ex abrubtly left to settle a fight his cousin got into, I started to talk to the new Commanding Officer. Unfortunately, it was all the time I needed to find out that the man is a very conceited pig.
It was not my first encounter with uniformed men. I met three other officials of the army before. Young, brave and very proper. I actually liked all those other men. They seemed very... dignified. And they were all confident, were actually able to carry very intelligent conversations and may I just add, sexy. Maybe it was the uniform that did it. lol.
But this one was none of that. To prove my point, later that night I was asked to join their table.
Lt. Villaroel: Where are you gonna sleep tonight?
Me: At my house of course.
Him: 'Cos I can get you a room at the pension house if you want.
At this point I was trying my best not to slap him.
Me: No need. I have a house.
Him: Ah ok. Kasi may room ako dun. Pina-reserve ni mayor kasi mahirap na baka ma-ambush ako.
Huh? Was that supposed to impress me or was that an attempt to get me to sleep with him? Eew. And just when I thought the horror was over, he actually whined out his insistent plea to take me home. What a shame to men in uniform. Not only did he turn me off majorly, I'd much rather have been shot.
I should've known, the third one's a charm. The next is just roadkill.
Two nights ago I went to this live band show sponsored by a candidate for congress in our district. So really, it was a political rally hidden behind the drumset. Anyways, the usual mumbo jumbo of people were there. We arrived just when they were starting the usual acknowledgements designed to somehow impress the people and win them over.
In the meantime, me and my pal Kit chose to hide out behind a multicab to avoid a head-on collision with trapo and, to make a grand entrance.
After surviving the "subtle" campaign strategy of our dear politicians, we made our way toward where the band just started to play along with Kit's husband Third (my ex-boyfriend's bestfriend) and his mother who is running for councilor on the admin slate. Just when I was just starting to enjoy the music, Manang Pinky approached us and insisted we sit together with the mayor's family and the city officials. Manang Pinky is by the way, one of my ex-boyfriend's minions. It bugs me that I am still so connected to him in that way. But what can I do?
While I was politely refusing the offer, along comes this guy who Manang Pinky introduced as the Commanding Officer of the whatever batallion assigned in our city. He seemed okay. And Kit whispered this notion of hers that I should at least talk to him while she observes my exbf's reaction. Freakish. But I played along.
True enough, along came my x who all of a sudden came over to where we were.
X: Good evening gwaps... Uy, have you met Lt. Villaroel na? (gestures to where the Lt. is seated right next to me)
Me: Good evening Konsehal. Yes, we were already introduced. (I manage to give him my best what-do-you-think-you're-doin look)
What the eff?! Obviously, we've already met. The man's sitting beside me for goodness' sake! I suspect he wanted to come off cool by attempting to pair me up with someone. Instead he succeeded in getting a very deadly stare from me. After my ex abrubtly left to settle a fight his cousin got into, I started to talk to the new Commanding Officer. Unfortunately, it was all the time I needed to find out that the man is a very conceited pig.
It was not my first encounter with uniformed men. I met three other officials of the army before. Young, brave and very proper. I actually liked all those other men. They seemed very... dignified. And they were all confident, were actually able to carry very intelligent conversations and may I just add, sexy. Maybe it was the uniform that did it. lol.
But this one was none of that. To prove my point, later that night I was asked to join their table.
Lt. Villaroel: Where are you gonna sleep tonight?
Me: At my house of course.
Him: 'Cos I can get you a room at the pension house if you want.
At this point I was trying my best not to slap him.
Me: No need. I have a house.
Him: Ah ok. Kasi may room ako dun. Pina-reserve ni mayor kasi mahirap na baka ma-ambush ako.
Huh? Was that supposed to impress me or was that an attempt to get me to sleep with him? Eew. And just when I thought the horror was over, he actually whined out his insistent plea to take me home. What a shame to men in uniform. Not only did he turn me off majorly, I'd much rather have been shot.
I should've known, the third one's a charm. The next is just roadkill.
shut up and listen
I don't like being jerked around. Yes, I'm lazy. I procrastinate as often as I can and I try to get away with anything if I can. When I am not in the mood, you cannot make me do anything. At least not well enough. And you would have to ask me nicely, beg even. If not, I'm out.
Oh I love doing things, and call me crazy because yes, I can even love responsibility. BUT with the right motivation. Otherwise, I become a fickle, fickle being. I become so slippery I will slide away, no, slink away. I will be still, I can be as dependable as can be. But you have to handle me ever so carefully. Or else, all you'll get is a half-hearted nod. And that's if you're lucky.
See here's the thing, I can be anything you want me to be. I will do it beautifully you will have tears in your eyes when I'm done. On my own terms.
(If anyone is wondering, I'm fuckin pissed off. I want to scream. And if you run into my father, be sure to mention all of the above to him. I will be eternally grateful. Now excuse me while I try to simmer down.)
Oh I love doing things, and call me crazy because yes, I can even love responsibility. BUT with the right motivation. Otherwise, I become a fickle, fickle being. I become so slippery I will slide away, no, slink away. I will be still, I can be as dependable as can be. But you have to handle me ever so carefully. Or else, all you'll get is a half-hearted nod. And that's if you're lucky.
See here's the thing, I can be anything you want me to be. I will do it beautifully you will have tears in your eyes when I'm done. On my own terms.
(If anyone is wondering, I'm fuckin pissed off. I want to scream. And if you run into my father, be sure to mention all of the above to him. I will be eternally grateful. Now excuse me while I try to simmer down.)
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Politically erect
Elections are coming up. Which means, it's been more than 3 years since Mr. Politiko came into my life. See, we have a history. I loathed him long before I ever met him, and fell in love with him afterward for reasons that are becoming increasingly unclear.
In a place where boring monotony is the usual state, elections create quite the stir. People take advantage of politicians while politicians indulge them and try to buy their votes. I actually enjoy watching and speculating about the maneuverings of those who are supposedly going to make our lives better.
It's funny really, what people are willing to do for power and money--two of the most appealing qualities of being in office. And, even funnier is the way women are attracted to those in power.
It has never been the case for me. I could say with a straight face that I have never been lured into the arms of a man just because of what he has or what he is. I woke up to politics and since time immemorial have always had a member of the family run for office. Heck, I've even campaigned onstage when I was 3 or 4. Yes, I am the local version of Kristeta. Not that I would wanna be compared to her. She's far too uhm, something.
Anyways, my ex-boyfriend who is now a city councilor is running for re-election. I've been running into him a lot lately. I get kicks out of seeing him look at me with blatant lust. HAHA. I know, that's crazy. But I'm bored and entertainment around here would sometimes mean being mediocre. Tsk3.
Which brings me to how I am now being once again subjected to intriga. Involving this Mr. Politiko and his psychotic pseudo-girlfriend. According to my detractors (see, I've really become quite the local celebrity around here haha), I am still pining over Mr. Politiko. Apparently I've been texting bastos text messages to the psychotic pseudo-girlfriend and have also said unprintable words to one of her minions. Gawd. They probably think that making stories up against me would affect me. Little do they know, they are actually feeding my ego. Oh yes, I'm a bitch in that way.
On a more serious note, all these intrigas and talk about me and Mr. Politiko have been hounding me before and long after we became an item. It's been so prolonged that I've begun to wonder why people keep tossing us into each other's laps. Half of them don't want us to be together and the other half insist that we belong together. Chilling thought.
I might have to register at the farthest possible voting area soon. lol.
In a place where boring monotony is the usual state, elections create quite the stir. People take advantage of politicians while politicians indulge them and try to buy their votes. I actually enjoy watching and speculating about the maneuverings of those who are supposedly going to make our lives better.
It's funny really, what people are willing to do for power and money--two of the most appealing qualities of being in office. And, even funnier is the way women are attracted to those in power.
It has never been the case for me. I could say with a straight face that I have never been lured into the arms of a man just because of what he has or what he is. I woke up to politics and since time immemorial have always had a member of the family run for office. Heck, I've even campaigned onstage when I was 3 or 4. Yes, I am the local version of Kristeta. Not that I would wanna be compared to her. She's far too uhm, something.
Anyways, my ex-boyfriend who is now a city councilor is running for re-election. I've been running into him a lot lately. I get kicks out of seeing him look at me with blatant lust. HAHA. I know, that's crazy. But I'm bored and entertainment around here would sometimes mean being mediocre. Tsk3.
Which brings me to how I am now being once again subjected to intriga. Involving this Mr. Politiko and his psychotic pseudo-girlfriend. According to my detractors (see, I've really become quite the local celebrity around here haha), I am still pining over Mr. Politiko. Apparently I've been texting bastos text messages to the psychotic pseudo-girlfriend and have also said unprintable words to one of her minions. Gawd. They probably think that making stories up against me would affect me. Little do they know, they are actually feeding my ego. Oh yes, I'm a bitch in that way.
On a more serious note, all these intrigas and talk about me and Mr. Politiko have been hounding me before and long after we became an item. It's been so prolonged that I've begun to wonder why people keep tossing us into each other's laps. Half of them don't want us to be together and the other half insist that we belong together. Chilling thought.
I might have to register at the farthest possible voting area soon. lol.
the freak show
Canlaon city is giving a whole new spin to its fiesta celebration. Not that the idea is entirely original... The concept has been patterned after Dumaguete's kiosks along the boulevard. At least the entertainment thirsty people have some place to carouse at.
Anyways, it seems like the fiesta air brought the freak show along with it. Observe, if you will, this chilling sight...
March 10, Saturday. Me and my friend Kit went to watch the semi-final basketball game. You can imagine just how boring this place is for me to even consider watching a basketball game. So, there we were and the usual crowd was there. Complete with my ex-boyfriend's latest bimbo and her equally idiotic bunch. Man, I must really possess some kind of power which is unkown to me since the mere sight of me make them all uneasy. And since this amuses me to no end, I proceeded to make them flinch by pretending to be texting with my ex-boyfriend. They all looked so affected by the assumption that we were exchanging sms that I almost doubled over in laughter. And to top it all off, my ex-bf and I went home at the same time. We both had our cars with us but heck, the look on the faces of the friggin idiots could kill.
Later that night, we went to the park to check out the live band that were playing. We got there at almost 10pm and by then the place was full of Canlaon's "party goers". After parking my car, we went ahead and strolled, er strutted to one of the kiosks to reload my phone. On the way, people greeted me left and right. Much to the chagrin of my detractors, I arrived fashionably late and with such a grand entrance.
I was by then having the time of my life making them all so pissed off just by my being there that I could not help but keep laughing at the thought.
But it was when we were dancing that the real freaks came out and lashed at me. They came and danced with me, touched my face and just did all that they could to provoke me. Finally, I just couldn't take the thought of my face being touched by those lowlifes that I had to talk to one of their friends and asked him to tell them to stop harassing me. We then left the dance floor with Kit fuming as she followed me out. Just when we sat down at our table, the matrona of the "japayuki group" came over and started shouting expletives and crass words generally directed at no one. But of course, I knew that it was specifically thrown at me. Ladies and gentlemen, step far away from the cage of the insecure bitches who have no finesse whatsoever.
I should've been sizzling mad, but oddly I wasn't as affected as my friend Kit was. Maybe I'm just not a war freak. But I suspect it's because it just feels so damn good to make some bitches so insecure just by bein me. Haha.
Anyways, it seems like the fiesta air brought the freak show along with it. Observe, if you will, this chilling sight...
March 10, Saturday. Me and my friend Kit went to watch the semi-final basketball game. You can imagine just how boring this place is for me to even consider watching a basketball game. So, there we were and the usual crowd was there. Complete with my ex-boyfriend's latest bimbo and her equally idiotic bunch. Man, I must really possess some kind of power which is unkown to me since the mere sight of me make them all uneasy. And since this amuses me to no end, I proceeded to make them flinch by pretending to be texting with my ex-boyfriend. They all looked so affected by the assumption that we were exchanging sms that I almost doubled over in laughter. And to top it all off, my ex-bf and I went home at the same time. We both had our cars with us but heck, the look on the faces of the friggin idiots could kill.
Later that night, we went to the park to check out the live band that were playing. We got there at almost 10pm and by then the place was full of Canlaon's "party goers". After parking my car, we went ahead and strolled, er strutted to one of the kiosks to reload my phone. On the way, people greeted me left and right. Much to the chagrin of my detractors, I arrived fashionably late and with such a grand entrance.
I was by then having the time of my life making them all so pissed off just by my being there that I could not help but keep laughing at the thought.
But it was when we were dancing that the real freaks came out and lashed at me. They came and danced with me, touched my face and just did all that they could to provoke me. Finally, I just couldn't take the thought of my face being touched by those lowlifes that I had to talk to one of their friends and asked him to tell them to stop harassing me. We then left the dance floor with Kit fuming as she followed me out. Just when we sat down at our table, the matrona of the "japayuki group" came over and started shouting expletives and crass words generally directed at no one. But of course, I knew that it was specifically thrown at me. Ladies and gentlemen, step far away from the cage of the insecure bitches who have no finesse whatsoever.
I should've been sizzling mad, but oddly I wasn't as affected as my friend Kit was. Maybe I'm just not a war freak. But I suspect it's because it just feels so damn good to make some bitches so insecure just by bein me. Haha.
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