Eight ways to kill a cat; Eight ways to love a woman

1. Outpurr her. Begin with sly innuendo, build up to a crescendo with your words.
2. Outlick her. Start at her temples, dimples, every little goosebump, every tiny wrinkle, downdowndown to her rawr.
3. Outslink her. Dip and dodge and wiggle your way out of every hole or every catfight. Nimbly climb your way down her tree.
4. Outstare her. Gaze her down till you have her pinned against the wall, your eyes burning away at her cattiness until she can only whimper.
5. Outplay her. Find a bigger ball of yarn. Better yet, spin it yourself. Have more fun than she can handle.
6. Outnap her. Nap, nap, nap till she yearns for your lap. Give her a dose of her own sleeping pill.
7. Outshed her. Shed your inhibitions like she would cat hair – on the couch, on the rug, on the bed. As you would your clothes, just shed.
8. Outmouse her. Trap her mice. Be catty but nice. But leave her to her every device.

And when you get down to her 9th life, love her. Love your cat. Love her purr, her lick, her slink, her stare, her games, her naps, her hair, her every wile. She is now a keeper.