Thursday, November 08, 2007

Private War

When I was single, I spent most of my time thinking about how I would be in the event that I would be with someone. I used to observe couples with the concentration of a scientist conducting an experiment on lab rats. Taking note of desirable behavior and listing down the undesirable ones.

As a result, I formulated my own conclusions. And, after all the trial and error situations that I dared go into, it follows that I developed what some experts would call cynism.

At a time when everywhere we turn we see broken hearts-some of them our own-it is not at al surprising if we find ourselves scoffing at the concept of love or successful relationships. That, added to the countless assholes that we encounter inevitably makes us all the more doubtful about the whole deal.

Since we were little girls, we were programmed to think that there is that one man who will sweep us off our feet and we'd get married and we'll live happily ever after. Until we grow up and realize that it's not as simple as that. It's so much more complicated that a whole bunch of authors have made a whole lot of money just by catchy titles and promising answers to desperate women's questions.

But the truth is, there really are no easy answers to our questions. There are no quick fix solutions or formulas that equate to a good relationship.

I myself have read a significant number of relationship books and have been single for an even more significant number of years. You would think that being in a relationship would be a breeze for me-what with all the "experience" under my belt. That's what I thought too.

But, cynism got to me. Fear of getting hurt and hopes for my own ever after got me jumping from pessimism to optimism and back again. I am constantly gripped with doubt caused by previous undesirable experiences with not so desirable men. There is a constant battle inside of me on what the right thing to do would be. Should I follow author A or B? Should I do this or that? Is this right or wrong? Am I making a mistake? Will I get hurt again? When things are going perfectly fine I become suspect. And when there's the slightest trouble or arguement I shut down and have a meltdown.

And that's when I realized that some things stay with us and we'll just have to keep fighting, but it gets easier... After a while.

No comments: