Private War

When I was single, I spent most of my time thinking about how I would be in the event that I would be with someone. I used to observe couples with the concentration of a scientist conducting an experiment on lab rats. Taking note of desirable behavior and listing down the undesirable ones.

As a result, I formulated my own conclusions. And, after all the trial and error situations that I dared go into, it follows that I developed what some experts would call cynism.

At a time when everywhere we turn we see broken hearts-some of them our own-it is not at al surprising if we find ourselves scoffing at the concept of love or successful relationships. That, added to the countless assholes that we encounter inevitably makes us all the more doubtful about the whole deal.

Since we were little girls, we were programmed to think that there is that one man who will sweep us off our feet and we'd get married and we'll live happily ever after. Until we grow up and realize that it's not as simple as that. It's so much more complicated that a whole bunch of authors have made a whole lot of money just by catchy titles and promising answers to desperate women's questions.

But the truth is, there really are no easy answers to our questions. There are no quick fix solutions or formulas that equate to a good relationship.

I myself have read a significant number of relationship books and have been single for an even more significant number of years. You would think that being in a relationship would be a breeze for me-what with all the "experience" under my belt. That's what I thought too.

But, cynism got to me. Fear of getting hurt and hopes for my own ever after got me jumping from pessimism to optimism and back again. I am constantly gripped with doubt caused by previous undesirable experiences with not so desirable men. There is a constant battle inside of me on what the right thing to do would be. Should I follow author A or B? Should I do this or that? Is this right or wrong? Am I making a mistake? Will I get hurt again? When things are going perfectly fine I become suspect. And when there's the slightest trouble or arguement I shut down and have a meltdown.

And that's when I realized that some things stay with us and we'll just have to keep fighting, but it gets easier... After a while.

New Beginning

I could taste it. The cruelty of long, lonely days, perhaps years of waiting for something better, something good, something right. As I was sitting on that van on my way home with two of my best friends, a myriad of questions ran through my mind as the landscape raced outside the window. Questions I've asked countless times before. Answers that have eluded me for too long.

Little did I know that all that was about to change. With a single message it all started. And what was initially supposed to be a long, mournful weekend became an exciting seduction. It became the start of something new.

I allowed myself to engage in harmless flirtation, being careful not to be hypnotized by his wit. We got to know each other in the way only modern technology can afford us. But I was in no hurry and frankly quite apprehensive. I was content with our mild flirtation and witty banter which I planned to turn into a pastime, he wanted something more. He asked, begged for us to meet. When asked why, he only replied,"because I want you to know me. I want you to know who I am."

And so, days later, I found myself sitting at a cafe, listening to his story. Dumaguete put on all her pretty colors for us that lovely afternoon as he bared his soul to me. As I looked at him in that afternoon light and digested what he called "shocking revelations", I thought to myself, "this is someone I could care about."
Afternoon turned into evening and our first meeting turned into our first date. It would be a night of many firsts. Our first movie (together with friends of course). Our first holding of hands. Our first dinner together which also happened to be the first time in years since a guy spoon-fed me. And as time dragged on, it unexpectedly became the first night we'd spend together.

When he and his friend finally saw us home, rain came. We had no choice but to let them spend the night. As we crowded in the room, the events of the day took its toll on me. I fell asleep on the thin mattress on the floor, next to him but as far away from him as possible and with my back to him. Lulled by incoherent dreams I slept.

And then, in the middle of the night I woke. As I felt him reach for me I turned to him and let him wrap me in his warm embrace. With his hand he traced my face as if memorizing its every line in the darkness. A breath of space between his face and mine, lips almost touching, he held me in his arms. An eternity within a moment. And then the first kiss...

I felt loose, loosed limbed and opened up--as though someone tugged at a thread and started unravelling me. And there, in his arms, I became someone else... Someone more like myself.

He held me long after it ended. And I feel happy. It is pure and undiluted happiness that brought tears to my eyes. And just when I started to be afraid that it would end there, he wiped away my tears and whispered, "this is our new beginning".