Chronicles from Wonderland

24

2009-09-07T23:21:00.002+08:00

I remember when I was younger when I would be with cousins and find them old at 24. I somehow had this notion that by 24 you were supposed to be everything that you wanted to be already. And yet here I am, not even close.

I feel old. Really, for the first time I feel that I am... mature. Or at least, supposed to be. I look back at days gone by... Think of them fondly. Like the way old people think of their youth.

Still... There is a lot to be thankful for. Family, friends, love and life. And growing old gracefully. Cheers!

365 days later...

2009-03-29T20:18:00.004+08:00

Today, we turn 1.

By 1 I mean one year. Which earns me the right to be mushy today. hehe somehow I still find it hard to really put into words how happy I am with Gerard. Probably because he makes me happy in so many ways... I will say this:

He makes me feel a calm and peace within by just knowing I have him.

He is my peace of mind.

When I'm with him, everything- including the biggest of problems, falls away. He has that strength that supports me and makes me feel everything is gonna be alright.

He is sweet and generous.

He is the boyfriend that I always wish I had and never had- until now.

He is the kind of man that cries.

He has a firm hand that can reign me in. But he is also forgiving.

I see him with kids and I know he is going to be a good father.

I feel and am safe when I am with him.

We have fun together. We share books, watch movies... Talk about anything and everything. We laugh together.

We adore each other.

He holds my hand and whispers sweet words into my ear.

He has mood swings. He can be elitista sometimes. But he is generally kind.

He is NOT perfect. He has his moments. But today I find them irrelevant. For I have found a good man. And above all else, that man loves me for me.

how bout a round of applause... (rihanna style)

2009-02-22T14:52:00.002+08:00

Please join me in raising our glasses to my sister Lovely aka Mutly who passed the November 2008 Nursing Licensure Examination!

At last, naa na unyay makapadalag dollars namo ani. hehehehe

back in the city...

2009-02-17T09:24:00.005+08:00

My gosh it's been a while... I've been reading everybody else's blog today and I realized I am so behind... There have been a lot of things to write about... I got a job, Sinulog, Valentines day...

At least I have a valid reason: I was in training. And in one word it was ugtos. But I'm done with it and thankfully, I passed. =)

Well, what else... Oh yeah, Valentine's Day.

For the first time in years, I actually looked forward to it. Gerard came to Cebu and well, need I say more? haha

Guys, let's keep blogging. Ramblings will do. I mean, we don't really need to make literary essays to keep each other posted. Dava? hehehe

Aling Jello, ikaw nang naay wagi na laptop. Og mahimo... hehehehehehe And mam mich, I like one liner blogs kaya... hehehehe So let's keep it up. Promise I won't lag behind. =)

Sigh... It really feels different this time around... The last time I was in Cebu, I had no direction. Except maybe the ones goin to Vudu or some such place. When I think about that time, I don't even know what I was thinking. All I remember was that I just wanted to have fun. Which ultimitely led to downfalls. I was literally floating through a fog of confusion. In short, LOST.

Nowadays, I walk with a purpose. I guess I can say I've become grounded. Admittedly, it's thanks largely to my boyfriend. He keeps me in check. And every day, I feel good about being able to really do things on my own. To have this job (no matter how mediocre it is for some people) and earn money so that I can one day have enough to own my own business and NOT work. That's really all I want. Harhar. But yeah... That's just it for now...

Meanwhile, here's somethin I've been listenin to... Enjoy...

xoxo

Make It Mine - Jason Mraz

here we go

2009-01-13T18:45:00.001+08:00

I just love the message of this song. And it just seems apt for my NOW.

Man In The Mirror - Michael Jackson

CEBU

2009-01-08T10:40:00.001+08:00

In the words of McArthur, "I shall return."

happy new year!

2009-01-02T10:48:00.004+08:00

For all the hype of 2008, what with the beijing olympics and all, it was pretty dismal. Global economy crashed, calamities everywhere, and our family went into our own financial recession.

I always have mixed emotions whenever new years come around. Another year is, of course, a blessing. But then you get older and the anxiety of what this year will bring cannot be ignored. Although in the end, optimism is the best attitude to assume.

And what of the year that was? Somehow, new years always make us want to take stock of our lives. Which is, most of the time a most tedious and even depressing thing to do. So I conveniently skipped all the drama. haha It's a new year. Come what may.

2008 wasn't so bad... After all, I met Gerard in 08. I fell in love and am in a healthy relationship for the first time ever. hehehe

It's weird how the older we get, the less festive and exciting and happy the holidays are. But still, we make do with what we have. Hopefully, 2009 will be a better year for all of us.

So for now, cheers to the year that was and the year ahead! Happy New Year everyone!!!

xoxo

happy endings

2008-12-16T10:02:00.005+08:00

If there is anything I love more than new beginnings, it is a happy ending... I just heard the news that our beloved Inday is engaged to her French beau. It felt weird... I have some friends who got married but this is the first brilliant bum to be engaged. I felt happy and at the same time strangely nostalgic. It's such a grown-up decision to make and I cannot help but recall the "single" moments that I spent with Inday and all the brilliant bum craziness that I thought this must be how parents feel when a child gets married. I must admit I was a bit worried and scared--after all, marriage is a BIG deal for me. But it is, above all, a happy occassion for it is a testament that in a world of uncertainty and chaos, love can still be found.

To Inday, I wish the best of life and love as she ends a chapter and begins a new one. May you live happily ever after.

family affair

2008-12-09T14:44:00.003+08:00

The problem with dating someone whose family is not merely a tree but a forest is that you have a lot more people to impress.

I used to be so insecure that I felt I had to go out of my way to prove myself to a boyfriend's family members--as in all of them. I thought that if I endeared myself to a boyfriend's family members, our relationship would be more "permanent". A far out illusion.

I have, since then, confined myself to being good to those who are the immediate family members of who I'm with. I do not anymore go so far as try to be who I am not. I do not intend to portray myself as perfect. I do try to be extra nice.

In the case of large families, it is extremely difficult to be nice to everyone. Especially when I know that some of them have something against me--not that whatever that may be is my fault. At such times I remain polite. But I do not go out of my way to try to "win them over". I'm sure everyone will agree that it is very difficult to be nice to people who aren't nice to you.

Case in point: Mr. Tanduay has these two cousins (2nd degree I think) who have been nowhere near nice to me. During last Saturday's celebration of his great grandmother's 100th birthday, they threw me looks. And girls, you know what I mean by those "looks". I let it pass. Later that night, there was a band. While me, Mr. Tanduay and Lovely were enjoying the music on the dancefloor and dancing together, we were interrupted by tweedledum presumably because she somehow unearthed one of Mr. Tanduay's old friends from Canlaon. Again, I let that pass even though she did not even say "excuse me". They chatted and she swept Mr. Tanduay to their group leaving me and Lovely alone. When Mr. Tanduay returned to me a few minutes later holding my hand in his, tweedledee literally grabbed him by his sleeve back towards their group---all this while looking right at me and never even bothering a half-meant "join us" to me and Lovely. I was humiliated.

This spurred a series of arguements between me and Mr. Tanduay because he thought I was being "selfish" while I thought my actions (which was getting pissed) was only a reaction to the rudeness of the aforementioned tweedledum and tweedledee.

We women have a nose for other women who dislike us. We can smell them even if they're standing at the other end of the room. I am a non-confrontational person. I try to stay away from fights of any kind. Which is why I was enraged by the thought that I was being tagged as the one who is the "bad guy" in that particular situation when I in fact, never made any direct or indirect action to offend them. To make matters worse, they even teased Mr. Tanduay that he is "under" the next day.

Let me ask you, did I do anything to justify their rudeness? Was my reaction out of line? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

:::::::::::::::
Me and Mr. Tanduay made up immediately after every arguement we got into the past three days that he was here. In one such occassion (after the band thing and after an arguement) we went to their veranda and made tambay there. It was raining and I felt cold. We were huddled together in two chairs pulled close together...

Mr. Tanduay: (with his arms wrapped around me and his chin on my shoulder) I wonder why I love you so much...

It's another one of those moments when I didn't know whether to get mad or be kilig. hehehe

to date

2008-12-04T14:12:00.003+08:00

I have given up hope that I would actually rally be able to take control of our business. So I shall not exhaust my energies arguing with my dad. I just don't see a point anymore. I shall live my remaining days in Canlaon under a banner of avoidance. Bow.

FYI

2008-11-26T13:05:00.002+08:00

I got a phone call yesterday. It's been a while since I've talked or even texted with this certain friend of mine... And well, she got right to the point of her unexpected call...

Aling aling: I had unprotected sex. But it's like right after my period ended. Am I safe?
Me: Well... I'm not really sure... But based on experience, I didn't get pregnant yet so I'd say you're safe.
Aling aling: Are you sure? It was unprotected sex.
Me: Yeah well I'm the Queen of unprotected sex so... Wait, who's the guy?
Aling aling: My boyfriend _____. You didn't know about him?
Me: Not really. LOL
Aling aling: Mao ka! Bitaw... This is driving me crazy.
Me: Okay, hang on. I'll ask some people who know for sure.
Aling aling: Okay thanks. I'll wait for your text mam ha.
Me: Relax... I'll let you know asap.

So... I thought I should just write down when the safe period really is once and for all.

During your period is the safest. Next safest is no more than 5 days after the end of your period with each day past the end of your period being more risky than the next. (this is according to wiki answers)

For those in a relationship, darlings it's time to get on the pill. If you don't want to be on the pill for whatever reasons, use a condom. Seriously, having protection, whatever your choice of protection may be is just a lot less hassle.

Sex is a choice, pregnancy should be too. So unless you're ready to be a mommy, BE PROTECTED. Trust me, you're saving yourself a whole lot of worrying and panic.

tropic thunder

2008-11-20T08:59:00.002+08:00

We watched tropic thunder yesterday. Not your usual spoof owed mainly to the fact that the cast is a powerhouse. Let me just say that Robert Downey Jr. is amazing. How he could do that African-American accent is weird--there are times when I forgot he's not black. And I didn't even recognize Tom Cruise at first. Sa iyang pagka siya. hehehe

I don't know ha, but all Mr. Tanduay's quoatable quotes nowadays are made before, during or after a movie. Anyway, I went into the movie worrying about money napd. Because I went to Bacolod with nothing but a one way fare's worth of money and nothing else and I had to let Mr. Tanduay pay for everything. Which, as you know, is not such a comfortable thing to do for most of us who are used to paying for ourselves (sometimes even our freeloading boyfriends of yester years). So I was deep in thought before the movie started thinking about how shitty it is not to have your own money in your pocket when...

Mr. Tanduay: O what's wrong? What are you thinking about?
Me: Money.
Mr. Tanduay: Stop it... Stop worrying about money. I want you to enjoy the movie.

silence...

Mr. Tanduay: (puts his arm around me) Babe, let me take care of you sometimes...

I guess I should. But when you're taking care of yourself too long, it takes some getting used to to let someone else.

2008-11-14T14:11:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary:

When it's hard for you to make a choice, trust that the world will make it for you.

kindness makes the world go round

2008-11-13T18:26:00.007+08:00

I haven't been talking much about what's really going on in my life right now. Aside from my peachy love life, everything else is pretty much dreary. To be more specific, we have been going through a rough time with money. I HATE MONEY.

I hate it because it has been turning us into these people who wake up in the middle of the night worrying about friggin money. I hate it because people in this backward place that I call my hometown associate me and my family with it. I hate it because the wretched people that inhabit this place is just waiting for our downfall. I can just imagine what kind of things they are saying behind our backs. And the people who were your friends when you had a whole lot of money? They either tear you down or grab the opportunity to profit from your vulnerability.

It really is true. When times get tough, that's when you see who your true friends are.

An example of how rotten people can be. Our competitor is owned by three people coming from the same family. One of them is my godfather. Another one is someone who used to be dirt poor. During which time, my dad became a guarantor for a loan that she was applying for because nobody knew her. Fast forward to now... That same person is on the top. And we are now going down. What does she do? She badmouths us every chance she gets. And now they are building a new gas station just to make sure that we go bankrupt. The goal is "siguraduhon nga maclose ang Power-up gasoline station".

Imagine that.

But then there are others. Others who stand by us whether we have money in our pockets or not. Others whose kindess save us and give us hope to live just another day and fight for another chance.

Others like one of our business partners who took it upon himself to volunteer to help us get back on our feet. I'm thankful that he's there because I've tried with all my might to get my dad to change his ways in business to no avail. I'm amazed at his generosity with his time and efforts just to help us take control of a business that has been mismanaged.

We are on the brink of losing most of what we have. My dad for whatever reason, has become rusty in his ways of handling business. God knows the man has been through a LOT. I can't blame him. But it's just frustrating. How we could have prevented this from happening if only he listened to me. It's humiliating how you have to borrow money or be at the mercy of creditors. It's heartbreaking how so-called "friends" turn against you or just turn their backs. Sometimes I wonder when does this series of unfortunate events end because sometimes I'm not sure we'll make it.

But then sometimes, there's a silverlining. Sometimes a person's act of kindness makes all the difference. And I think maybe, there's gonna be a brighter day.

Quick hitters

2008-11-12T13:19:00.008+08:00

la Lo

Lindsay Lohan is on the cover of Harper's Bazaar and in the "intimate interview", Lohan is asked about her relationship with Samantha Ronson and if she would consider herself a bisexual. Here's an exerpt of the interview:

Has she previously been with a girl? She laughs and says, "I don't know. Maybe." Has she ever been embarrassed about being attracted to a woman? "No." Would she classify herself as bisexual? "Maybe. Yeah." Lesbian? "No." She goes on, "I don't want to classify myself. First of all, you never know what's going to happen — tomorrow, in a month, a year from now, five years from now. I appreciate people, and it doesn't matter who they are, and I feel blessed to be able to feel comfortable enough with myself that I can say that." She sees herself getting married "eventually," but whether to a man or a woman, "I don't know."

Okay... I'm not bothered that she's with a girl or whatever. But what's up with the "maybe. Yeah. Lesbian? No."???? I really like aling Lindsay but come on...

Does she really think she can pull it off after months of this?

She has also come up with her own line of leggings. "There's not much you can do with leggings, but I'm doing everything I can," she says.

I say good luck L. Except for colors, fabric and probably holes in them, how can one reinvent the legging? (your tips are welcome)

Moving on.

Team Jennifer vs Team Angelina

Jennifer Aniston called Angelina "uncool" after Angelina revealed stories about the early stages of her relationship with Brad Pitt. Well... I must say, I am with team Jennifer on this one. The poor girl shouldn't have to relive that. Especially since the revalations happened at a time when Jen did not about the relationship yet. Angie, you're one of the coolest chicks around but please, you walked off with the gir's husband... You don't have to tell us how you did it. (Wait. Maybe we'd like a few tips on how to snag a Brad LOL)

ALIAS

The Secret Service have come up with nicknames for the new first family. All starting with the letter R (don't ask me why). Anyway, here are the chosen names. Mr. Obama will be "Renegade", Michelle will be "Renaissance", Malia will be "Radiance" and Sasha will be "Rosebud".

Meanwhile, the search is still on for the the "first dog". Here's my suggestion:

Not sure it'll take with the kids though. hehehe

Shaken and stirred

2008-11-12T12:56:00.006+08:00

I watched the new Bond movie Quantum of Solace with Mr. Tanduay last Saturday. I'm not gonna talk that much about the movie though. What I would say is what probably most people are saying. That's it's a typical Bond movie. Grittier and darker though. It's the 007 version of what happened with the Batman franchise. It's the posh version of an FPJ movie. Always the target, never hit.

Anyway, so we were walking around in the mall after the movie when our Mr. Tanduay said, "hey babe, I have a confession to make."

Okay... Now what? So I said, "what is it?"

Mr. Tanduay: I lied. I actually saw the movie with my dad na. I didn't tell you cos then you wouldn't wanna watch the movie na or if you did, you won't enjoy it as much.

How could I get mad about that kind of lie? LOL

O

2008-11-05T17:08:00.002+08:00

Obama won. Oprah Winfrey was in attendance. Kenya declared a National Holiday in honor of Obama's victory. And Palin lost.

At least America has not completely lost their senses.

As for McCain, well... There is no substitute for victory. But I think his speech was very well delivered.
"This is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African-Americans and the special pride that must be theirs tonight," McCain said. "These are difficult times for our country. And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face."

Applauded. Luoy. Especially cos I have a soft spot for grandfatherly looking people.

Anyway, it was not a surprise. It's going to be interesting to watch how Obama's gonna handle such great expectations.

Here's what I think is the most compelling line in Obama's speech at Grant Park:

"It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment, change has come to America."

fools like me

2008-11-04T11:33:00.003+08:00

Okay... The truth is, nobody knows shit about love.

We're like the blind leading the blind. Occassionally we stumble onto some glimpse of wisdom and we try to hold it in our hands, stash them inside our cluttered minds, try to remember them the next time, try to protect ourselves or our friends from the same mistakes...

Right. Like that's possible. No one is safe. We all become lovefools.

There's no such thing as logic in love. My previous post has nothing to do about logic. In a line it would be listen to your intuition. And whoever said there's logic in intuitions. It's a feeling. It's not rocket science. Nobody has been able to really explain it. Just. Like. Love.

We all mess up, stumble, crawl. We all go through the same ugly break-ups and gut-wrenching heartaches. Yet we all believe in it. We hope and we risk. We go through all the motions. At least once in our lives we become fools.

But then, once in a while we find truths. We find something rare and beautiful. Once in a while we find what it was we've been looking for and never really admitted. Once in a while stumble upon something real. Once in a blue moon we realize that all the madness has but one ending--learning.

We cross our fingers and hope we'll be wiser next time around... Heaven knows that's what we should be--wiser after every friggin time we fall all over ourselves.

And if you're lucky... Maybe then you'll find love.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong.

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Lesson #1

2008-11-01T10:05:00.004+08:00

Joey: [after spotting a guy with "Ding" shirt and another guy with "Dong" shirt together] I want my Ding.
Andrew: I want my Dong.
-from the movie, Boy Culture

Just recently, my good friend Jaycee flew to Bacolod presumably to attend the recently concluded Masskara festival but actually, it was to meet up with yet another guy. I know, predictable.

Of course, I was thinking "oh boy, here we go again..." and my boyfriend Gerard jokingly said that this one's sure to become yet another one of Jaycee's exes (yes, after that week in Cebu my boyfriend already knew this piece of information. The info being that Jaycee has a lot of exes hehehe). Anyway, while we were more or less calculating how short this affair would be, Jaycee had other things in his mind. Other than the obvious, he was actually thinking it would last.

I am not one to deny people of their happiness. And so I listened to his declarations of like, if not love, and happiness. I said the necessary things although at the back of my mind, I was skeptical. I told him not to be too quick to give credit and not to rush into anything, least of all expectations. But of course I knew that he was gonna do all those anyway. Have I not myself done that so many times before?

I can see the signs...

Highlighting his so-called attributes... Diminishing the obvious qualities that would discount those attributes... Announcing with glee that "I am happy" or "he makes me happy"... Ignoring that voice in my head that tells me "no, not really..." knowing at the back of my head that I was trying to convince myself and others by all the declarations of love, happiness and really things that were most of the time stuff taken from other love stories.

I wonder, why have I been so quick to award those guys with worth without waiting just a little for them to prove their worth to me... I think we know the answer. Besides, happiness need not be advertised. If it's real, it will show itself. And that funny little thing called love? You'd be surprised... It's not supposed to be so hard.

What then is the lesson? Do NOT do what Jaycee did or I did. hehehe

Seriously, listen to yourself. I know you know that we are aware of what is potentially a mistake. We just ignore it. So just listen to that little voice. Ponder on it. And remember what happened all those times you ignored it.

bums and another city

2008-10-24T19:49:00.031+08:00

Canlaon had become too stressful (who would've thought) and Dumaguete is hardly the same without my fabulous friends. So it was time then to pay a visit to the next best thing... CEBU. Where life is somewhere between urban life and where the spirit of Dumaguete has been echoed through most of the brilliant bums who are now based there.

On the bus to Zeybu...

At one acacia tree : we spent the first night hangin out at a place named after one of the most prominent figures of silliman. char.

Guitar man: Please welcome, Angel (he pronounced it as IN-GEL. He might very well be Inday's long lost brother. hahaha)

My rockstar. And yes, he makes love like that other kind of star. bwahaha

Men in Blue: My boyfriend on my left and my back-up on my right. haha

yo.u as in your own utopia where we chilled to the sound of the voice of Jello's crush

how did they end up looking so krung krung? hehehe

at bo's with Mutly who is morphing more and more into a Korean

corny moment at brews. walay mo palag. hehehe

Atimana and Aling Paulrich.

cuddly cousin

cge, atimana nalang pd si jaycee nga wlay paki sa world basta kay naka pose.

three ladies and uh bombom. hehehe

moon cafe just like the old days at el amigo...

Yes, indeed, the brilliant bums have conquered Cebu.

take a deep breath

2008-10-11T17:51:00.004+08:00

For everything there is a season and time... And right now, I am so ready for some F.U.N!

It's been a while since I've really taken time off from all the drama of my life. But finally, I'm leaving for Bacolod tomorrow to meet up with my boyfriend. From there, we'll be off to Cebu for our first road trip together. Wee!

So...

I might not be able to update that much this coming week although I'll try.
I can't wait to see the Cebu-based brilliant bums.
I can't wait to introduce my boyfriend to my friends for the first time. (People, be gentle. hehehe)
I can't wait to do some damage in Cebu. I miss getting crunk with my people. *wink*
I'm craving for coffee conversations!!!

In short... I JUST CAN'T WAIT.

Cebu... Here we come! You better be ready for me. hehehe

rock with you janet jackson

ribbons in the sky

2008-10-05T13:00:00.009+08:00

I was browsing photos at People.com when I came across the album of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding. I love weddings... I think it's the most hopeful event a person could have in his or her life.

Now you all know, I love gays. I have more gay friends than girl friends. But as much as I love women trapped in a man's body, I'm kinda uncomfortable around lesbians. I cannot explain it. It's not repulsion... Not that extreme. I'm not proud of this, being a self-proclaimed liberal but I don't quite get them.

But, although this may be the case, I do get love. And as far as I'm concerned, love in any language-in any gender-is love still. We might not all understand it, but no one can discount it.

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore, simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest civil world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago. In the sacred spaces of our hearts. -one tree hill

I am humbled. I'm sure a lot of people have their own opinion about unions such as these. But I have much respect for these two. It is hard enough to be in a "straight" relationship and keep it thriving and filled with love. They've come this far.

It is just heart-warming to see people in love. And it gives me hope. That in this strange, strange world, love can still be found... In different places, faces and regardless of gender.

I leave you, this Sunday, with Stevie Wonder singing the couple's favorite song--music to their dance in the photo above.

Ribbon in the Sky - Stevie Wonder

Sarah and Britney

2008-10-03T17:45:00.005+08:00

US VP DEBATE

I constantly feel the need to comment on this because I feel like we are always affected by whatever is going on in the US. Sad but true. So, the first and only VP debate went down. And true to form, Palin cemented my belief that she does NOT deserve to win. Here are a few rather interesting quotes:

Palin on Obama: "Barack is a downright dangerous choice for president." --seriously, she
thinks she is in any position to say this? Seriously?

Palin on Climate change: she was quick to say that she isn't one to "attribute every activity
of man to the changes in the climate."
"There is something to be said also for man's activities, but also for
the cyclical temperature changes on our planet," she said. --I say,
have you been living under a rock? What do you mean cyclical
temperature changes? Do you mean to tell me that global
warming is just an effect of Mother Nature being moody?

I therefore conclude that Palin is a deluded "hockey mom" who, despite living in a place covered in ice, does not understand climate change. Darling, I'm sure you're a great mom and I'm sure you have a good track record in terms of moose hunting but if you don't get what climate change is, you sure are the one who is dangerous. For the sake of good old Mother Earth, I hope she loses so she can just go back to doing what she does best--being a hockey mom and eating moose burgers.

******
On that note, I would like to end this blog with something about Britney Spears. Pasensya, but thinking about Palin reminds me of Britney, Paris and all the dumb blondes--even if Palin is a brunette. Harhar allow me to be bitchy...

This is Britney's "comeback" single. Really... What was she coming back as?

womanizer - britney spears

Mara,

2008-09-30T17:12:00.005+08:00

Today you join me at 23. I wonder how you're celebrating your birthday... Maybe you've chosen to spend it like any other day... Maybe you're going out with your friends there... Perhaps a date with someone new? I just hope you're NOT choosing to spend it pining over a particular someone.

Now I don't mean to lecture you on your birthday of all days but why not? I was here first. Bleh!

Here are little nuggets of wisdom from me to you.

I cannot believe I'm saying this but for now, enough of the hopeless romantic churvas. I mean, we all want true love. We all want a happy ending. But we can't very well expect to have all that in just a few tries. Weren't you the one who said that expectations is what kills a relationships? And let me just add that assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. So, do me a favor and just loosen up a little. By that I mean, stop thinking about being alone or ending up alone. Stop worrying about the one. Stop looking for the one. Take it from me, love will come in its time. And the one, whoever he is, will find you. In the meantime, be open to possibilities.
If you do feel the need to get all nostalgic, focus on what you did wrong and learn from them.
You are an amazing woman. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

There is an acceptable length of time to grieve the loss of a relationship and there is a point at which it's simply a waste of time. I am telling you these things because I have been wanting to shake you to your senses. They say with age comes wisdom. Let us try to be able to stand and say we learned our lessons well.

All I'm saying is, stop grieving and start living. Because for someone whose blog is entitled an overdose of life, you sure haven't been doing much of living.

So live... Love... Learn... You're not getting any younger. HAHA

Love you mam...

Happy Birthday!

live and learn - the cardigans

gulong ng palad

2008-09-28T16:42:00.005+08:00

I've neglected my blog for good reason. For one thing, I've been busy with the city hall's Employee's day where I was forced to wear a grass skirt and dance the tahitian dance. Yes, that hip rollin, booty shakin, all around tiring dance. And no, I'm not posting a picture. Bleh!

But, I have another more serious reason for the long absence. And that, my friends, is none other than that useful yet evil thing called money.

It's been tough for us and our business lately... I'm not even gonna go into the details because it's gonna be too depressing for me. Suffice it to say that lately, I've been walking around wondering how people survived, where they get their money and envying those who I think have more than what I have. Heck, I even envy my childhood memories when there seemed to be no problems and I could get almost everything that I wanted.

I have led a life that was sufficiently blessed. I was never lacking. Except of course when I run through my allowance too fast. We were rich. Although I never felt that we were because my dad raised us to content ourselves with what is enough. Never too much. Just enough. So that when the time comes when we don't have a lot, we'll still manage. I never thought that the day would come that that would actually come useful. And though we've been taught to stick to the necessities, it still doesn't seem to be enough.

They say, the less money you handle, the simplier life is. So true. If we didn't have this much in investments, we won't have this much to lose. Yesterday, we were flourishing. Now we're just trying to make it through the day. I look around and some of the people we know who used to come to us for money are now the ones who have the money. Gulong ng palad.

I tell you, be kind to everyone when you're goin up cos you never know who you'll need when you're goin down. It's friggin hard... I admit, I'm used to being up. I don't know how to deal with going down. But still, as they say, life goes on. When the going gets tough, the tough get goin. And when you've hit rock bottom, there's no way to go but up.

I sure hope so.

Palin Schmalin

2008-09-16T18:57:00.006+08:00

Allow me to tap into my colonial mentality for a bit...

I can't help but get hooked on the events leading to the upcoming American elections. And I can't take it anymore. I would like to know who here feels that Sarah Palin is fit to be America's next vp and next in line to the American Presidency. Heck, Matt Damon has had his say. And if he can have his opinion (him being a mere actor stud hehehe) why can't we?

And for the record, I DON'T think Palin should win.

Eight ways to kill a cat; Eight ways to love a woman

2008-09-14T14:10:00.003+08:00

1. Outpurr her. Begin with sly innuendo, build up to a crescendo with your words.
2. Outlick her. Start at her temples, dimples, every little goosebump, every tiny wrinkle, downdowndown to her rawr.
3. Outslink her. Dip and dodge and wiggle your way out of every hole or every catfight. Nimbly climb your way down her tree.
4. Outstare her. Gaze her down till you have her pinned against the wall, your eyes burning away at her cattiness until she can only whimper.
5. Outplay her. Find a bigger ball of yarn. Better yet, spin it yourself. Have more fun than she can handle.
6. Outnap her. Nap, nap, nap till she yearns for your lap. Give her a dose of her own sleeping pill.
7. Outshed her. Shed your inhibitions like she would cat hair – on the couch, on the rug, on the bed. As you would your clothes, just shed.
8. Outmouse her. Trap her mice. Be catty but nice. But leave her to her every device.

And when you get down to her 9th life, love her. Love your cat. Love her purr, her lick, her slink, her stare, her games, her naps, her hair, her every wile. She is now a keeper.

23

2008-09-09T12:53:00.009+08:00

Ever since I turned twenty I cringe at the thought of turning a year older. Aiken and Mara were my constant companions on such occassions. Hence, we developed our own little tradition on the eve of my birthday. We had martinis with cherry on top.

And in the spirit of that tradition, this is how I spent my birthday this year...

Their martinis didn't have a cherry on top, but I can honestly say my substitute was way better. haha

For the longest time, I have always felt that my song is REAL by Plumb. I have always felt like that song was written for me. This year, that song truly becomes mine.

This year, I toast to life, to love and to friendship... At last, I found something real.

Real by plumb

september

2008-09-01T14:56:00.002+08:00

Okay, it's my birthday month. Along with a handful of others. It's good to know I'm growin a year older with some crazy/beautiful people. hehe

So, before I rant about getting old (grr), here's some interesting things to note about my/our birthday month.

According to the Georgian calendar, September is the ninth month. But, on the Roman calendar, it was the seventh month. September has had 29 days, and 31 days; but, since the time of the emperor Augustus, it has had only 30 days.
Childhood Cancer Awareness Month
Children's Good Manners Month (how ironic)
Cholesterol Education Month (who knew?)
John Gruelle received a patent for the Raggedy Ann doll in September 7, 1915 (my birthday hehe)
9/11 (who would ever forger what that means)
Gemstone: Sapphire
Flower: Morning Glory
Zodiac sign: Virgo and Libra

I'm obviously bored. Not a good way to start any month. hehe

postcard from dumaguete

2008-08-28T15:03:00.006+08:00

Wish you were here...

This is for those who missed half of their lives by not joining us. hehe

what my love life and tanduay have in common

2008-08-16T15:26:00.002+08:00

While cuddling, my boyfriend said out of nowhere, "you know what, our relationship is like Tanduay." At this point I was deciding whether to be irked at such an outrageous comparison or to just laugh at the concept. But of course, I just had to ask why, of all things under God's green earth he chose Tanduay to compare to our relationship...

His reply: "Because it's habang tumatagal, lalong sumasarap."

So it's slightly baduy and very offbeat. But we do have our corny moments.

I guess we really are in love. hehe

better days and get-aways

2008-08-01T17:03:00.006+08:00

It was one of those times when everything was shitty and I was lost in all that crap that included everything from family bs to yet another failed attempt at finding love. It was the perfect time to escape and drown out everything else.

And so it was that I decided to throw caution to the wind and go to Sindangan with yet another lost soul, Xander, my soul sister Mara and Bom2x. And by throwing caution to the wind I mean going to a remote town in Mindanao with just enough money to get there.

And so off we went. My emotions were, as I recall, half anxious and half excited--which can really be such a high. From the moment we stepped on Dapitan's dock it was pure liberty. And since it was pathetically my first time to set foot on Mindanao soil, I was delighted.

That first day we made like true turistas and went around all the so-called tourist spots of Dapitan cam-whoring all the way. I cannot put down everything that happened in chronological order but the moments come back to me like pictures in a slide show...

There was that "night out" at a beachside bar where before or after a few drinks we went to the back of the bar (which was actually facing the beach)--this was right around the time the band started playing Pinoy Ako. Just for the heck of it or maybe because it was the only place we would openly sing along to Pinoy Ako, we sang our hearts out to a full moon. We probably looked like werewolves baying but who cared? And it was then that Mara (I'm pretty sure it was you haha) suggested that we shed all inhibitions and go skinny dipping. Talk about being literal. Haha. But we did it anway. It was great. Except maybe for the fact that Bom2x and Xander was there jumping around. Ew. But still, it was totally freeing. Hehe

And then along came Jello... We went to the same beach that we went skinny dipping in. It wasn't exactly resort material in the light of day but oh the sunset was amazing... And then there was walking down the street with sparklers in hand (take note this was sometime in October)... Videoke bar hopping and singing Aegis songs with feelings... Some more cam-whoring on a bridge, a stop at an abandoned dock... I vaguely recall drinking rum and royal tru orange imagine that! This of course, ended with someone puking on the floor of our room and all of us getting drunk. And then, at last, some downtime at a more secluded beach where we frolicked on the white sand, posed some more, and effectively achieved golden tans. Did I mention how our very generous hostess fed us delicious homecooked food at each meal? Sigh...

Ah yes... It was bliss. A totally unplanned trip that turned into the best vacation yet. Even more so because it was with great friends. And of course, the fact that nobody knew us there helped too. Haha. It's true, where you go doesn't really matter as much as who you're with. And that trip, that "vacation" of ours... That's the one to beat.

For a quick visual aid:
http://www.friendster.com/viewphotos.php?a=707297853&uid=6300952

;

2008-07-29T14:32:00.003+08:00

How does one even begin to write about possibly the best thing that happened to her "lovelife"? For the first time, words elude me. And those who know me, know that I'm a girl of many words. And what can I say that hasn't already been written? Only now I understand what those great writers really mean.

For the first time since I can remember, I am happy with the one I'm with. And for the first time, I really mean that.

...
I read somewhere that some potters make a break in the line of the design of their pottery... Sort of like a symbol that it's a never-ending cycle. The earth, the wind, the fire--everything that goes into making it a beautiful thing. And maybe it remains that way, or maybe you break it along the way... But the cycle goes on and the story continues... In that same manner, I will end this entry with a ;

Question

2008-07-28T11:28:00.002+08:00

So yeah... We've all been there. How else do we know it's true? We've all had our turn. We've all been burned. But the question really is, what do you think you deserve?

HERE I AM

2008-07-25T14:28:00.003+08:00

Due to insistent public demand, I've decided to update my neglected blog. I haven't even realized how long it's been already... So I guess I should start by giving some sort of explanation as to why the long silence...

First of all, I no longer have internet connection. I know that's no excuse but the few times I do go online are, sad to say, only long enough to do some mediocre thing such as check on my friendster.

The more notable reason is that if you notice, when I write, it's usually to complain amd whine about loneliness or some melodramatic account on love or pseudo-relationships. Lately though, I've ran out of things to complain about and, this might come as a surprise, but I'm finding it hard to write about my new relationship. So I'll save that for another entry. Haha

Now, on to the updates:

1. If you are one of my bitches, you'd probably know by now that I have a new boyfriend. Uh-huh. I will not elaborate for now because I might not do him justice-this being a refresher blog and all. Hehe. But for now, I hope this will suffice-- he's a wonderful person who truly makes me happy beyond expectation.

2. I miss my friends. And this is nothing new... But when I think about all our moments... The string of memories that we've managed to share and collect over the years... It's almost painful. People we have got to get together soon!!!

3. I miss Dumaguete. Our Dumaguete. My dumaguete. Which of course, brings me back to the friendships that I made there. It was the backdrop of our intertwined lives. And I know that as far as me and them are concerned, Dumaguete will always be our home.

4. I now spend my days mostly reading (as usual). And my weekends are either spent having prayer meetings (watch out!) or, going to Bacolod (getting laid bwahaha).

Other than that, it's still just me. Okay, maybe not really just me. Maybe I'll be able to find the words to paint you a picture of how utterly happy I am and to tell you about this great guy. But for now, here I am... It's good to be back.

Private War

2007-11-08T15:16:00.000+08:00

When I was single, I spent most of my time thinking about how I would be in the event that I would be with someone. I used to observe couples with the concentration of a scientist conducting an experiment on lab rats. Taking note of desirable behavior and listing down the undesirable ones.

As a result, I formulated my own conclusions. And, after all the trial and error situations that I dared go into, it follows that I developed what some experts would call cynism.

At a time when everywhere we turn we see broken hearts-some of them our own-it is not at al surprising if we find ourselves scoffing at the concept of love or successful relationships. That, added to the countless assholes that we encounter inevitably makes us all the more doubtful about the whole deal.

Since we were little girls, we were programmed to think that there is that one man who will sweep us off our feet and we'd get married and we'll live happily ever after. Until we grow up and realize that it's not as simple as that. It's so much more complicated that a whole bunch of authors have made a whole lot of money just by catchy titles and promising answers to desperate women's questions.

But the truth is, there really are no easy answers to our questions. There are no quick fix solutions or formulas that equate to a good relationship.

I myself have read a significant number of relationship books and have been single for an even more significant number of years. You would think that being in a relationship would be a breeze for me-what with all the "experience" under my belt. That's what I thought too.

But, cynism got to me. Fear of getting hurt and hopes for my own ever after got me jumping from pessimism to optimism and back again. I am constantly gripped with doubt caused by previous undesirable experiences with not so desirable men. There is a constant battle inside of me on what the right thing to do would be. Should I follow author A or B? Should I do this or that? Is this right or wrong? Am I making a mistake? Will I get hurt again? When things are going perfectly fine I become suspect. And when there's the slightest trouble or arguement I shut down and have a meltdown.

And that's when I realized that some things stay with us and we'll just have to keep fighting, but it gets easier... After a while.

New Beginning

2007-11-03T12:27:00.000+08:00

I could taste it. The cruelty of long, lonely days, perhaps years of waiting for something better, something good, something right. As I was sitting on that van on my way home with two of my best friends, a myriad of questions ran through my mind as the landscape raced outside the window. Questions I've asked countless times before. Answers that have eluded me for too long.

Little did I know that all that was about to change. With a single message it all started. And what was initially supposed to be a long, mournful weekend became an exciting seduction. It became the start of something new.

I allowed myself to engage in harmless flirtation, being careful not to be hypnotized by his wit. We got to know each other in the way only modern technology can afford us. But I was in no hurry and frankly quite apprehensive. I was content with our mild flirtation and witty banter which I planned to turn into a pastime, he wanted something more. He asked, begged for us to meet. When asked why, he only replied,"because I want you to know me. I want you to know who I am."

And so, days later, I found myself sitting at a cafe, listening to his story. Dumaguete put on all her pretty colors for us that lovely afternoon as he bared his soul to me. As I looked at him in that afternoon light and digested what he called "shocking revelations", I thought to myself, "this is someone I could care about."
Afternoon turned into evening and our first meeting turned into our first date. It would be a night of many firsts. Our first movie (together with friends of course). Our first holding of hands. Our first dinner together which also happened to be the first time in years since a guy spoon-fed me. And as time dragged on, it unexpectedly became the first night we'd spend together.

When he and his friend finally saw us home, rain came. We had no choice but to let them spend the night. As we crowded in the room, the events of the day took its toll on me. I fell asleep on the thin mattress on the floor, next to him but as far away from him as possible and with my back to him. Lulled by incoherent dreams I slept.

And then, in the middle of the night I woke. As I felt him reach for me I turned to him and let him wrap me in his warm embrace. With his hand he traced my face as if memorizing its every line in the darkness. A breath of space between his face and mine, lips almost touching, he held me in his arms. An eternity within a moment. And then the first kiss...

I felt loose, loosed limbed and opened up--as though someone tugged at a thread and started unravelling me. And there, in his arms, I became someone else... Someone more like myself.

He held me long after it ended. And I feel happy. It is pure and undiluted happiness that brought tears to my eyes. And just when I started to be afraid that it would end there, he wiped away my tears and whispered, "this is our new beginning".

92

2007-04-12T17:54:00.000+08:00

My lola turned 92 last Monday. 92. Wow. I will not hope nor dream that I would ever reach such a ripe age. Unlike my grandmother, my lifestyle is much more, let's say, liberated. And yet, I wonder... "What would it be like to live the kind of life she lived? Would I be happier?"

I would certainly be healthier. Haha.

I imagine how uptight and conservative her life has been. I recall how she would tell me that when she was young, the only time people saw her was when they went to church. His lolo, Don Gil, would pick them up in his karwahe (yes, an actual carriage complete with a horseman) and that's when they get to go out. Everyday, at 4pm, they would open their windows and watch the world outside. Wave at passersby perhaps, and maybe even look down upon suitors. This account alone is proof enough of how different the way things were before.

My lola turned out to be a very strong woman despite the rather "demure" way of life she got used to. In so many ways I am like her and yet in so many more ways I know I am not. My life is far more complicated than hers was, yet I know she went through her own obstacles and fought her own battles. If I were to have lived in the era she lived through, I would most probably turn out not far from the way she did.

But I am of this generation. One that is a hundredfold harder to live through than theirs was. Perhaps, I am in no position to complain. Many of us complicate our lives unnecessarily, our ambitions are higher and our contentment is harder to reach.

I am now 21. Far from old. Far from wise. I am almost sure I wouldn't live to be 92. But I hope I will do my lola's heritage justice in my own way while I am alive.

summer places

2007-04-03T13:48:00.000+08:00

I used to be fascinated by swimming pools, ponds, fountains, miniature waterfalls in people's gardens... I have no idea why but I'd just be amazed by them. I won't even attempt to find any psychological reason for it for fear of ruining the feeling that it gives me when I remember a time when such things make me wide-eyed with wonder.

Like the empty swimming pool at my neighbor's backyard. I remember staring at it, fantasizing how it would look if it were full. Or the pond at a family friend's front lawn. I used to sit by it and look into all of its three-foot depth and the lonely fishes swimming in it. Even now, when I think of it, I can still feel some of the awe that I felt.

It sounds crazy now that I'm a grown woman, but I wish I could get that back. That innocence--or perhaps ignorance-- that comes with being a child. To look at things and see them more vividly and vibrantly. To experience something and be struck with the same excitement as I had.

Nowadays I sit at my lola's terrace, look at the backyard that seemed huge to me before... Milk replaced by coffee and blowing bubbles replaced by a cigarette... I can't help but wish time and age hadn't jaded me. Have I gotten that old? I certainly feel old. I sit back and remember a time when little things gave me great wonders and made summer seem so much more like an adventure... Sigh.

s&m

2007-03-23T22:08:00.000+08:00

I often wonder how we always end up loving somebody who doesn't deserve us. I think about how many people I know who are involved in a relationship or pseudo-relationships who are unfair to them. Of the many people I know who should have the best but have settled for what they have just so they won't be alone. And then I think of how many times I tripped and fell for the asshole when I had the option of choosing somebody else-one who is clearly into me.

Why do we always end up choosing the one who would hurt us? Are we sado-masochists?

Sometimes it would seem as though we are-or at least I am. How else could I explain this "pattern" of me choosing to be with someone who is uncertain versus someone nice and safe and sure? I don't know if it's because of the so-called challenge of being in a difficult relationship or if it's because of the thrill/excitement of the uncertainty. Or maybe, I've become so accustomed to pain that being without it makes me question the relationship.

So maybe I am sado-masochistic after all. But aren't all sado-masochists looking for someone who would make them want to stop lovin the pain? I know I am.

snow on the sahara

2007-03-16T02:07:00.000+08:00

How else should I react? How else should I handle betrayal? I should be burning with fury. Yet strangely I am numb. Cool. So cool that I wonder if this is normal. Then again, when have I ever been normal? I've walked this walk too many times before. This desolate stretch of nothingness. Burning hot then bitter cold. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Maybe I've gotten used to it after all.

The dust has blown on my track, the sand has blown into my eyes, I've lost my way yet again. There was never a map made out for this godforsaken path I travel. Just an endless cycle of losing one's way and finding it in the middle of nowhere. Funny how this is the only way I lead my depths. In this vast emptiness where I find both pain and beauty. I stand still, and wander off alone.

just shoot me

2007-03-14T23:12:00.000+08:00

In no way has this account been embellished:

Two nights ago I went to this live band show sponsored by a candidate for congress in our district. So really, it was a political rally hidden behind the drumset. Anyways, the usual mumbo jumbo of people were there. We arrived just when they were starting the usual acknowledgements designed to somehow impress the people and win them over.

In the meantime, me and my pal Kit chose to hide out behind a multicab to avoid a head-on collision with trapo and, to make a grand entrance. It's shallow but after surviving my first ever incident of public scandal I thought I had all the right to show up and dazzle everyone. lol.

After surviving the "subtle" campaign strategy of our dear politicians, we made our way toward where the band just started to play along with Kit's husband Third (my ex-boyfriend's bestfriend) and his mother who is running for councilor on the admin slate. Just when I was just starting to enjoy the music, Manang Pinky approached us and insisted we sit together with the mayor's family and the city officials. Manang Pinky is by the way, one of my ex-boyfriend's minions. It bugs me that I am still so connected to him in that way. But what can I do?

While I was politely refusing the offer, along comes this guy who Manang Pinky introduced as the Commanding Officer of the whatever batallion assigned in our city. He seemed okay. And Kit whispered this notion of hers that I should at least talk to him while she observes my exbf's reaction. Freakish. But I played along.

True enough, along came my x who all of a sudden came over to where we were.

X: Good evening gwaps... Uy, have you met Lt. Villaroel na? (gestures to where the Lt. is seated right next to me)
Me: Good evening Konsehal. Yes, we were already introduced. (I manage to give him my best what-do-you-think-you're-doin look)

What the eff?! Obviously, we've already met. The man's sitting beside me for goodness' sake! I suspect he wanted to come off cool by attempting to pair me up with someone. Instead he succeeded in getting a very deadly stare from me. After my ex abrubtly left to settle a fight his cousin got into, I started to talk to the new Commanding Officer. Unfortunately, it was all the time I needed to find out that the man is a very conceited pig.

It was not my first encounter with uniformed men. I met three other officials of the army before. Young, brave and very proper. I actually liked all those other men. They seemed very... dignified. And they were all confident, were actually able to carry very intelligent conversations and may I just add, sexy. Maybe it was the uniform that did it. lol.

But this one was none of that. To prove my point, later that night I was asked to join their table.

Lt. Villaroel: Where are you gonna sleep tonight?
Me: At my house of course.
Him: 'Cos I can get you a room at the pension house if you want.

At this point I was trying my best not to slap him.

Me: No need. I have a house.
Him: Ah ok. Kasi may room ako dun. Pina-reserve ni mayor kasi mahirap na baka ma-ambush ako.

Huh? Was that supposed to impress me or was that an attempt to get me to sleep with him? Eew. And just when I thought the horror was over, he actually whined out his insistent plea to take me home. What a shame to men in uniform. Not only did he turn me off majorly, I'd much rather have been shot.

I should've known, the third one's a charm. The next is just roadkill.

shut up and listen

2007-03-14T17:02:00.000+08:00

I don't like being jerked around. Yes, I'm lazy. I procrastinate as often as I can and I try to get away with anything if I can. When I am not in the mood, you cannot make me do anything. At least not well enough. And you would have to ask me nicely, beg even. If not, I'm out.

Oh I love doing things, and call me crazy because yes, I can even love responsibility. BUT with the right motivation. Otherwise, I become a fickle, fickle being. I become so slippery I will slide away, no, slink away. I will be still, I can be as dependable as can be. But you have to handle me ever so carefully. Or else, all you'll get is a half-hearted nod. And that's if you're lucky.

See here's the thing, I can be anything you want me to be. I will do it beautifully you will have tears in your eyes when I'm done. On my own terms.

(If anyone is wondering, I'm fuckin pissed off. I want to scream. And if you run into my father, be sure to mention all of the above to him. I will be eternally grateful. Now excuse me while I try to simmer down.)

Politically erect

2007-03-13T21:51:00.000+08:00

Elections are coming up. Which means, it's been more than 3 years since Mr. Politiko came into my life. See, we have a history. I loathed him long before I ever met him, and fell in love with him afterward for reasons that are becoming increasingly unclear.

In a place where boring monotony is the usual state, elections create quite the stir. People take advantage of politicians while politicians indulge them and try to buy their votes. I actually enjoy watching and speculating about the maneuverings of those who are supposedly going to make our lives better.

It's funny really, what people are willing to do for power and money--two of the most appealing qualities of being in office. And, even funnier is the way women are attracted to those in power.

It has never been the case for me. I could say with a straight face that I have never been lured into the arms of a man just because of what he has or what he is. I woke up to politics and since time immemorial have always had a member of the family run for office. Heck, I've even campaigned onstage when I was 3 or 4. Yes, I am the local version of Kristeta. Not that I would wanna be compared to her. She's far too uhm, something.

Anyways, my ex-boyfriend who is now a city councilor is running for re-election. I've been running into him a lot lately. I get kicks out of seeing him look at me with blatant lust. HAHA. I know, that's crazy. But I'm bored and entertainment around here would sometimes mean being mediocre. Tsk3.

Which brings me to how I am now being once again subjected to intriga. Involving this Mr. Politiko and his psychotic pseudo-girlfriend. According to my detractors (see, I've really become quite the local celebrity around here haha), I am still pining over Mr. Politiko. Apparently I've been texting bastos text messages to the psychotic pseudo-girlfriend and have also said unprintable words to one of her minions. Gawd. They probably think that making stories up against me would affect me. Little do they know, they are actually feeding my ego. Oh yes, I'm a bitch in that way.

On a more serious note, all these intrigas and talk about me and Mr. Politiko have been hounding me before and long after we became an item. It's been so prolonged that I've begun to wonder why people keep tossing us into each other's laps. Half of them don't want us to be together and the other half insist that we belong together. Chilling thought.

I might have to register at the farthest possible voting area soon. lol.

the freak show

2007-03-13T14:24:00.001+08:00

Canlaon city is giving a whole new spin to its fiesta celebration. Not that the idea is entirely original... The concept has been patterned after Dumaguete's kiosks along the boulevard. At least the entertainment thirsty people have some place to carouse at.

Anyways, it seems like the fiesta air brought the freak show along with it. Observe, if you will, this chilling sight...

March 10, Saturday. Me and my friend Kit went to watch the semi-final basketball game. You can imagine just how boring this place is for me to even consider watching a basketball game. So, there we were and the usual crowd was there. Complete with my ex-boyfriend's latest bimbo and her equally idiotic bunch. Man, I must really possess some kind of power which is unkown to me since the mere sight of me make them all uneasy. And since this amuses me to no end, I proceeded to make them flinch by pretending to be texting with my ex-boyfriend. They all looked so affected by the assumption that we were exchanging sms that I almost doubled over in laughter. And to top it all off, my ex-bf and I went home at the same time. We both had our cars with us but heck, the look on the faces of the friggin idiots could kill.

Later that night, we went to the park to check out the live band that were playing. We got there at almost 10pm and by then the place was full of Canlaon's "party goers". After parking my car, we went ahead and strolled, er strutted to one of the kiosks to reload my phone. On the way, people greeted me left and right. Much to the chagrin of my detractors, I arrived fashionably late and with such a grand entrance.

I was by then having the time of my life making them all so pissed off just by my being there that I could not help but keep laughing at the thought.

But it was when we were dancing that the real freaks came out and lashed at me. They came and danced with me, touched my face and just did all that they could to provoke me. Finally, I just couldn't take the thought of my face being touched by those lowlifes that I had to talk to one of their friends and asked him to tell them to stop harassing me. We then left the dance floor with Kit fuming as she followed me out. Just when we sat down at our table, the matrona of the "japayuki group" came over and started shouting expletives and crass words generally directed at no one. But of course, I knew that it was specifically thrown at me. Ladies and gentlemen, step far away from the cage of the insecure bitches who have no finesse whatsoever.

I should've been sizzling mad, but oddly I wasn't as affected as my friend Kit was. Maybe I'm just not a war freak. But I suspect it's because it just feels so damn good to make some bitches so insecure just by bein me. Haha.

Crack of Dawn

2007-02-22T15:37:00.000+08:00

Yet behind the night,
Waits for the great unborn, somewhere far
Some white tremendous daybreak.
-Rupert Brooke

She looked at him as if seeing him for the first time. Right across the table was the guy she thought she always wanted. But as she struggled to keep herself together, she couldn't help but wonder, "who is this guy?"

A million thoughts raced through her mind and a storm of emotions were raging somewhere deep within her. And so she drank the beer he handed to her, hoping it would loosen her wired nerves. Still, she can't shake the feeling that somehow, she got this all wrong.

She tried hard to avoid staring at him for fear that her mouth might hang open at the sight of this stranger. She's stunned. And that's when she knew... He was not at all the man she thought he was. Not even close.

Light has slowly broken through... She felt as though she has woken up from a deep slumber, squinting at the searing light as her eyes adjusted to it. And then, the beauty of everything awash in brightness.

So she did what she had to do. It was time to open her eyes and see things as it is. The dream has ended, the illusion has faded away... And though her heart felt cold, she welcomed the warmth of the light of truth.

Licensed Diver

2007-02-07T12:17:00.000+08:00

In life, there are times when you have to think things through. When you take the time to examine all angles before you make a decision. You play all possible scenarios in your mind and prepare for every single one of it as best you can. This is very essential in making choices. Especially when you don't want to make a mistake.

But there are times when things just happen. Against all odds and probably against your better judgement you land right smack at the center of something that was never in your plans at all. It is often at these times that we are brought to regret or, if you're luck, something wonderful.

Do things really happen for a reason?

Despite living in the 21st century, I cannot help but wonder about that old saying. But, perhaps, there is some truth to it. Because even despite careful scrutiny and planning, something does always happen that are out of our control. You kiss on the first date even if you didn't plan to, you blurt out something you never thought of saying, you missed a turn on the street and ended up running into someone... And almost always, there proves to be a reason behind such twists.

Then again, there are those times when we cannot make sense of things that happen. It's puzzling, really. And we go on wondering what could the reason be? More often than not, the reason would eventually turn out to be to teach you something. That is, I know, such a cliche. But there is just no other way to say it.

Paolo Coelho once said, "lessons are repeated until they are learned". This is the thought that always comes to my mind whenever I come to a dead end and just can't figure out why this certain something happened for no apparent reason. Turns out ol' Paulo knew what he was talking about. He was probably as stubborn as we are now.

But what about those other times when you are ambushed by a choice? I call those moments, "dive sensation". It's like standing on the edge of a ledge before diving. You stand there wanting to jump in and dive at the same time being scared of doing it. You know that if you stand there longer you will only feel more afraid and backing out would somehow always make you feel unfulfilled.

It is at these moments that the solution is simply to take the plunge. To just do it. Do whatever it is that you feel you want or need to do. Dive into the unknown. And sometimes, it is then that you will know.

ilusione

2007-02-07T11:50:00.000+08:00

There is something so mysteriously captivating about illusions that hold one so tightly in its grasp... Having deemed myself a dreamer, I am certainly no stranger to illusions. That certain something that deceives the senses or mind that it takes you and whips you away...

When all you can hear in your ears is the beating of your heart, there is little to do but be sucked right into the vortex of an illusion. You grasp at all strings of hope and from there paint a thousand pictures of a happy ending. Somehow you start believing that there is hope. And even when all those around you hammer you with the reality, you feel that what little hope you have is worth holding on. Never knowing that hope borne out of illusion is nothing more than a lie.

Based on personal experience, illusions often start when we paint a certain picture of what we want in our minds and hearts. We become so gripped by that certain picture that we often fit anything or anyone unto that mold. Without our knowing it, we've lost ourselves in a deception of our own design. Illusions, are quite simply, something that appears to be one thing when it is in fact another.

There's another word for illusion--trickery. I have always liked the word illusion better. I liked the ring of it. And yes, I am a willing victim of illusions for more than once. And I know that even under its spell, there comes a time when you realize that the better part of it was make-believe.

It is then that one can either be stuck in make-believe or grasp reality and move on. I am for the latter. I'm not saying it's easy, hell no. I prefer to think of it as somewhat like watching a very good movie complete with all the special effects. It can capture you and break your heart, but you know that the special effects are computer generated. And even when you're crying your heart out, you know that it's not real. Then as the credits roll, you walk out of the movie theater and think to yourself, "life goes on."

And, indeed, it does.

Valley of Misplaced Contraceptives

2007-02-07T11:23:00.000+08:00

In a time and generation of sexually open individuals, it seems that everything is possible. People can have sex without a relationship or, in some instances, have sex without even knowing anything about the other. And if we are to be completely liberal about all this, we are told that that's fine as long as we practice "safe sex".

There are a dozens of available contraceptives and many more methods of contraception, all of which guarantee a certain percentage of "safety". The medical society and even the religious sector have taken it upon themselves to teach and preach us what constitutes the hazards of sex and how to avoid them. And in all the brochures that have been printed to educate us over the years, we should all be rest assured that we know how to avoid those so-call hazards of sex.

I, for one, have used a couple of those contraceptives, read countless brochures and have generally escaped the "hazards" of sex. All except for one that that have never, in all the brochures that I have read, been mentioned. The dreaded emotional attachment that all vulnerable individuals out there are in danger of.

Is there ever really "safe sex"?

There are countless tests and checklists, even guides to having safe sex all in the hopes of protecting people from disease or unwanted children. There are condoms, diaphragms, pills, injections and whatever else they've invented to keep from having STDs or the occasional lovechild but what's to protect the heart in all this?

Sure, some can do it with the gusto of a dog looking for a mate and when it's over, scratch it off and move on to the next. But some of us, cannot just scratch it off and move on unscathed. We are left wondering and hearts aching.

It probably might have been easier if there was a brochure on this. A pill to keep the mind from wondering and a condom to shield the heart. But, sadly, there is none. "Safe sex" is an illusion. Whoever invented that term should have his balls cut off. Because there is no such thing as "safe sex". Reality brings in more pain than STD.

And so, we lie there, long after our beds are left empty... Yes, they might've saved the world from AIDS. You used proper contraception, you are safe from disease or an unwanted child. But the ache that it leaves you with, can kill you long before the AIDS ever will.

1

2007-02-07T11:07:00.000+08:00

Alice sighed wearily. "I think you might do something better with the time," she said, than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers."

But what happens when you have nothing to do with your time? When you have too much time and too little to do, riddles find you. Upon waking, going to sleep, and every hour in between. And when this happens, all the time you have in your hands is spent trying to find answers.

Answers.. I have gone from being certain with every angle of my life to utter bewilderment. My life has become filled with questions, it seems that finding answers has become every waking moment's purpose. I have searched within myself to looking for it in different places. Trying but somehow always failing to find the answers to questions. Running away from them yet somehow always finding myself face to face with riddles that seem to have no answers.

Is there ever really an answer to questions we ask? Or is life supposed to be a question, a riddle, that has no answer?

True to form, I am clueless. From where I stand, I can see question marks following my every move. Somewhere between certainty and confusion, I got lost. And so her I am. In a world where I like to call my wonderland.

And while some may define wonderland as utopia, paradise, seventh-heaven, mine is a labyrinthe of my mind's twists and turns. An alternate world which I try to blindly explore. A place that exists between reality and fantasy.

If life is indeed a riddle to answer, and mine is filled with questions, maybe you can find your answers in mine. And maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way we can all reach a place that can reconcile our reality and fantasy. Who knows? Until then, humor me, and let's all waste some time in wonderland...